I have spent a week trying to figure out how to take advantage of the Observer anointing me as the Best of Dallas columnist for 2012. After all, this is the United States in the 21st century, and celebrity is a big deal. If the Karadashians can be famous, why not me? I write a whole lot better than they do.

The problem, of course, is that , my new celebrity is not all that celebrity-icious. It didn’t get me a reality TV show or even a viral YouTube video. And I don’t need some of the perks that come with this kind of celebrity, like good seats at a restaurant or free drinks. I rarely go to dinner anymore, and I get wine samples sent to the house as part my wine writing gig.

Still, I hate to waste my 15 minutes. So how about these requests?

•  Fix the automatic door at the Kroger at Greenville and Mockingbird. This is the door closest to the Greenville side of the store, and it hasn’t worked correctly for most of the last six months. I had to pry it open with my hands the last time I was there.

• Stop giving local city by city weather forecasts on the various TV newscasts.  Who are they kidding? Is the weather really going to be all that different in Mesquite than it will be in Garland?

• Bake and sell a decent bagel. I’ve suffered through most of what passes for bagels here for more than 20 years, and I’m tired of it. I’ve even got a good recipe I will be happy to share.

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