A marriage begins with two simple words: “I do.”
It can end with two simple words: “Home remodeling.”
Of course, I’m exaggerating a bit. I hope.
From start to finish, a home remodeling project teaches you about construction techniques, the importance of complementary fabric colors, how your spouse reacts to the intense pressure of selecting wall treatments, and the inescapable truth that all subcontractors share one common trait: They know more about what you want in a home than you do, and they’re more than willing to tell you about it while you’re paying them to do something else.
I could go on and on and on about what I’ve learned these past few months. But I’ll spare you the minutia and get right to the main points:
• If a subcontractor tells you he’ll meet you at the house at 8 a.m., what he really means is that you’ll be at the house at 8 a.m., and he’ll be there when he gets around to it. Maybe.
• When and if you and your subcontractor actually coordinate visits to your house, be concerned if he begins referring to you as “boss” or “chief” while making disparaging faces to his helper when he thinks you aren’t watching. Believe me, these terms — when used in this manner— are not terms of either respect or endearment.
• True or False: If your wife tells you that “someone is going to die today” if a certain delayed aspect of the remodeling project isn’t completed immediately, you should fear for the life of your subcontractor. Answer: False. Your wife is not going to kill someone who carries a claw hammer all of the time, but she will expect you to willingly do so — or else.
• An interesting truism involving construction: If you spend more money than you budgeted on a project, you won’t necessarily be happier with the result, but all of your vendors and subcontractors will be.
• If you’re wife really, really loves a certain antique wood chest that is irreplaceable and has a really shiny, expensive wood top, don’t be surprised if your subcontractor also turns out to be an antique aficionado who really appreciates the chest’s intrinsic value — as a storage bin and tabletop for saw blades, screwdrivers, hammers, wood screws, open paint cans and Big Gulps.
Seriously, we hope you’ll find our annual Home Design magazine to be an inspiration for your home remodeling projects, and we hope you’ll give special consideration to using the advertisers who make this publication possible.
Special thanks also to my contractor and his subs for allowing me to have a little fun at their expense with this column — seriously, they did a great job.
Now, wish me luck: I’m going to give a copy of this to my wife, and she knows exactly where to find that claw hammer.
