Why can’t I believe that power, money and social success are all just an e-mail away?

Money is on my mind all the time these days.

The newspapers and TV news shows are filled with stories of people down on their luck. Bankruptcies are increasing. The Enron stuff just won’t go away. Lots of people don’t have jobs. My 401K is contracting faster than I can replenish it.

So thank goodness for the Internet.

Every day, while sorting through email advising me about great ways to reduce my mortgage payment, buy half-price electronics and enhance critical portions of my anatomy, I’ve been blessed with solicitations telling me how to make money, if only I have the vision and courage to take IMMEDIATE action.

Here’s an email addressed to me as a “FUTURE MILLIONAIRE: If you would like to make at least $500,000 every four to five months, easily and comfortably, please read the following, THEN READ IT AGAIN AND AGAIN!”

Even though the writer used only one exclamation point, I did what I was told. And you know what: If I send $5 to the person whose name is at the top of the list at the bottom of the page, and if I send another $5 to four more people on top of four other lists (carefully adding my own name to the bottom of each list), it’s automatic: I’m going to be a millionaire. Soon.

While I’m here waiting, here’s an idea I could adapt: “Do You Want a Simple, Two Minute Hypnotic Technique That Lets You Secretly Put Any Woman Into An Instant Trance & Persuades Her To Ask Her Out? Due To Certain Pending Laws About Hypnosis, This Product May Not Be Available For Long. Get Yours Today – While You Still Can!!!”

The writer used three exclamation points – this must be a big one!!! Sine I’m already married, I probably shouldn’t use this idea as proposed. But surely it would work on bill collectors, bankers, and prospective employers, especially those WHO ALSO ARE WOMEN!!!

And finally, there’s the sure-fire winner: “You can be ordained this week” by a company called Street Bishops. That’s right: I don’t have to bother spending time learning the Bible or any of that other religious stuff. I can become a member of the clergy THIS WEEK.

But how do I make money?

“The simple fact is that people die every day, providing a never-ending need for funeral officiates. Or after your ordination, you may start your own congregation! We can offer much assistance as you begin your new place of worship.”

Come to think of it, don’t most country clubs give free memberships to clergy? About the time my membership is approved, I should be receiving all those $5 checks from my new Internet pals, so then I could afford to buy drinks for my new club pals. Hey, this could really work…

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